I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
