So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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