because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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