god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
