I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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