Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
