so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
