I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
