I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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