Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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