Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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