A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
