i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize