I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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