Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
