He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
