My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
