Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hippo gnu deer
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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