Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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