Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
