Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize