Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
