My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
