She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
