Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
