Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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