I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
