Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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