I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
