dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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