if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You ate ashes out of my bong
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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