just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
