Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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