her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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