I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize