HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
