I skipped work to stalk him.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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