Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
