found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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