Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
