Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
