My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
