Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
