Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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