I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
