If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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