I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
COCAINE IS GR8
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize