Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
