So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
