Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize