It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
