Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
