nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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