I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
