my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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