Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize