I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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