Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
