just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
