my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
50% drunk capacity currently
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
